Monday 22 November 2010

Why wouldn't I do a Phd?

Adjusted email (for peoples names & so you can undertsand the conversation) on where I stand, alone on this place we call earth.
The past is the future.
Perfection is key, forgetfulness is not allowed.

Sometimes life has to get beyond university, I may be capable of a Phd but occasionally I wish life was a little more 'normal'. To have the chance to be doing something outside of University is a challenge in its own right. Yes there is a lot to be gained from doing a Phd, but specialising too much can hinder career options, although many people have swapped there career paths completely at the ages of 40, 50 and so on (without Phds), one guy turned geology to religion another religion to nursing, another PA to counselling.

I often find my self in a quandary debating where I should be and what I need to do to get life to just settle. In many respects my main aims are to stay within the environment sector, I enjoy geography too much it has a spell on me (although the depresssed me would say the opposite I'm sure the subject can feel like a big hole). The other aim is to have my own place to live and not be affected by living with family still. Family makes lots of decisions a lot harder, and believing your own thoughts, portraying what you want to do in life to the family is tough. The chance to work outside of university and gain work experience instead of academic experience is something companies, trusts, institutions and councils and quangos are always interested in. This is where family think I should go, none the less I've always wanted to work within Environmental Management/Consultancy in the last few years. So the family are happy at least for this (although some do question whether I should change path completely, mainly because they think I have no guts, self esteem or confidence. I have these when working independently away from home). I try to make myself more independent, but the rain cloud keeps following me around. If I get kicked along, it'll only hurt harder, I have structure and capabilties, but no one likes to believe me. Its always the way, I'm destined to trip over.

Can I work in an office environment, can I work solo, can I bring projects in on time, operate in teams, team lead? Adapting academic material on your CV to work is not quite the same as adapting work to work. Practical experience, work experience whilst I have a fair bit still needs to grow some more. I have a good starting point, but indecisive I am. What my heart and head tell me are very different things. In the words of some. "I don't want to spite my nose for my face". Chopping my feet off to save my legs is important. I don't want to be a missery my whole life, but the futures bleak quite often. Hence my two aims are my key drivers - bad days do happen as I said, family stuff and what amounts to peer pressure.

You may think thats not a sound answer but they are important thoughts in my head, my decision counts and unfortunately is final when the hammer falls, sometimes its too late to change. I have large questions like what am I doing here and why was I born and what happens after death to contend with, I'm easily depressed and easy to just let other people think they are right because arguing is just too much energy. It doesn't help my memory's a blur.

Friends remember my mum more than I can. A lot of people say "your mum would say this... ; want you to do that..." and provide excellent examples, but however much I believe and know, I can't hear her voice in my head anymore. Eight years have gone by and what made life mean something back then is not here. :-(

Sometimes just being part of something is enough, but if I'm not interested or exhausted I don't care. I'm lousy like that (but I do care really, I'm just burnt out), perfection is everything these days and I haven't got it. Having said that some perfectionists are weird. A high level of quality is more important, but often people just slam it back saying its not good enough, cutting you down. What has happened to society, - a nice community, appreciatative people.

I don't care about upsetting family, but I'd prefer not to, I've had enough of stress in the last 10 years as it is. So the less stress there is the better. Trying to find the correct career route is not an easy choice even if I have general themes.

Life has turned in to one big depressing circle.
Whatever happened to the special people in life who handed out hugs. People you miss from times gone by.

Sunday 14 November 2010

Painful Thoughts?


On Friday the power went off. We've been having particularly strong gales and wet down pours this week and Friday finally saw the power go off. This is by no means uncommon for us when really bad weather hits. Somewhere between the powerstation and here is a weak link, it has regular issues, and is probably not helped by the lack of technical update in the area.

So Friday saw the power out from 1500hr till 1900hr. It made for some interesting times, no heating in the freezing cold (wrap up warm) cooking dinner on a camping stove and the fire box in the lounge newly lit, and lighting the place by candle and torch light.

It made for some interesting bits of time as nothing else could be done, were so plugged into electricity, its almost impossible to do anything without its aid. So with the power out I began to notice the need for keeping life much more real and away from this electrified life style.

According to an article I read today "people spend 'half there waking hours daydreaming'". This is somewhat worrying - how does anything get done? It was also kinda funny in places too although quite serious in retrospect. I certainly found myself daydreaming more and coming back to earth away from the fast paced life that electricity holds over us on Friday.

It's always a bit novel to have no electricity for a little while, makes you stop and think about more real things, tell stories that don't normally happen and make do in a way thats not shown because routine as we know it is taken for granted. (It's a shame it didn't happen on Halloween, it would have been really spooky to sit under candle light telling stories). It's also a shame that we are so unhappy and we set ourselves in a world of day dreaming in an attempt to avoid our tasks.

Well we can't concentrate all the time. What do you do when your lying in bed waiting to drift off to sleep? Thinking about jobs and tasks doesn't set me off to sleep.

Does that mean I'm unhappy when I go to sleep?



*Post Script: Writers Island 'Quandary' happened to fit well to this. It seems I am in a quandary, don't you think?

Friday 5 November 2010

It might be Bonfire Night, but what time is it. The Sun, Moon and life eternal.


With thanks to Madison Reece for her blog entry "Something Special", which set this ball rolling.
It might be Bonfire Night, but what time is it. The Sun, Moon and life eternal.
"Though we are many we are one body", says the Holy Communion for Christian faith, but whilst I may have been going on my themes of magical rights and folklore due to Halloween. It got me also thinking about the Neolithic culture, the Stonehenge world, where people didn't have God as we know today, but the planets and the sun was God to them.

On the 21st December, the Winter Solstice, Pagans and admirers of this past culture gather in wait to see the sun rise.
The Neolithic's are thought to be no body's, something where humans didn't have any control and was a form of prehistoric dark ages, alas so little is known about them and there time, history portrays very little factual evidence. Still with what we think we know, a mass of people every year walked to the stonehenges and Passage Tombs to see the sun rise directly up and over until the central stone was lit. These features, built over years in life time amounts (20 years), suggest they were actually very intelligent people.

Knowth Ireland
Stonehenge UK

The potential out there for something as big as God may well exist, but scientific evidence attempts to defy the odds. Will we ever know? Ants are tiny compared to the earth, but really us humans in relation to the universe, indeed our Galaxy is small. A good concept of this feeling I found, was the Men In Black film endings, particularly the first one. Our Universe is just inside a marble.

I always wanted to know what was making the world go round. How comes it all exists? But such big thoughts makes for bad headaches and questions over life, what happens when we die etc. So many of us happy with believing in a God can be happy, but what makes people happy if they have God?

I have a good tendency to forget, I don't want to know in many ways because its scary, unless a whole hearted solution can be found. So maybe after all that our human instincts to enjoy fire and watch the sun rise in its mighty power is a good thing.
Our 80 odd years is just a dwindle in the suns 10billion, and that's before it goes Supernova. Questions behind time and space, the after life can be dulled down for a little while longer. Lets enjoy our time here. We all like to watch a healthy fire, something that connects us to our bushcraft, our more natural way of life, away from these modern times.









Music for thought:
Sting Featuring Eric Clapton: It's Probably Me
The Korgis: Everybody's Got to Learn Sometime
Karl Jenkins, Requiem: In These Stones Horizons Sing